I woke up and turned on NPR and discovered the world's most wanted criminal was dead. I listened as they talked about celebrations at Ground Zero and in Washington, D.C.. I didn't have the drive to celebrate, but rather to reflect. For me that fateful day led to the end of my first marriage. I know, that sounds impossible, but I am quite certain it was true.
My wife at the time and I watched those towers fall and the ensuing chaos. We didn't say much. I'm pretty sure that like the rest of the world we were in shock. I felt true fear that some great force was trying to create an overthrow of our government. The whole thing was practically right out of a Tom Clancy novel. I guess it's strange but when the terror stopped that day and we later on found out it was perpetrated by this man and his acolytes from training camps in Afghanistan I felt relieved.
I know that the real terror that was committed wasn't the death of all of those people. The real terror is how each of us dealt with the tragedy. For me I immersed more intensely in work. For my wife, she reevaluated her life and decided I wasn't going to be a part of it. For the past 11 years I have dealt with that terror, the disruption and destruction of my original family unit.
That day in 2001 and the ones that followed were interesting in the office. Either nothing was said about the disaster or people needed someone to talk to . Most were quiet. A few needed me to sit and listen. They asked me questions that were mostly about the future. Future of healthcare, government, our lives. I would reassure them that our country was strong, our people were good, and somehow we as a nation and world would end up stronger and better from this.
Fast forward to the last couple of days. I could sense a change in the office and in people's attitudes but I couldn't exactly identify it. Two of my older patients wanted to talk. Interestingly, they both had similar viewpoints. They didn't feel celebratory. They even thought that we were kind of gloating as a nation about the death of this terrorist. And neither of them felt it would make a significant change in the grand scheme of things.
Once again, I listened, I talked about how disturbing it was that Pakistan was probably not the ideal partner. But, mostly I talked about how this showed that we as a nation were growing and maturing in some ways and in others we were still like children. All this time, in the back of my mind was the havoc that was wreaked on my life from that fateful day.
But, also in my mind was the wonderful change my life had taken. For now I have the most beautiful and wonderful wife who loves me and cares for me. We have an absolutely phenomenal child who is bright, beautiful and a joy to be with. And, my relationship with my eldest daughter is now stronger than I can remember.
So, in retrospect, I cannot celebrate the death of this monster for I have very mixed feelings from what he did to me and my country and my world. But, I do know that I and we are stronger and better than we were.
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